on a schizophrenic note..

Now that I got THAT out of my system..


I just wanted to share that despite yesterday's irritation, God's really been so good to me. :) Aww.. Really. Been getting what we like to refer to as "love-notes" from Him. :)

Like yesterday, as I angrily left the office.. I was praying: "God, please make me smile today." And He did. Twice. He even made me laugh. :) He's so great. He really knows how to brighten my day.

So, in honor of Him, I'm posting the lyrics to a song I've been addicted to for the past few weeks. A song that shows me that He's so big and that my problems are oh-so-small. That's this world is beautiful and His love is too great for words. :)


Indescribable
Chris Tomlin

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

the devil in disguise

Or not. I mean, seriously, if I had to wear THAT disguise I'd rather just do the horns and forked tail bit.

Obviously, I'm upset. I am SICK and TIRED of making a certain someone (who we shall call D.I. - short for the Devil Incarnate)look SMART when he's not, TIRED of giving him a semblance of CREDIBILITY, TIRED of being told my ideas are NOT worthwhile as he pitches them to his OTHER projects, TIRED of him taking credit for the stuff I come up with and being BLAMED for stuff I had NOTHING to do with.. I will NOT take this much longer.

If I could curse I would.. But I don't do that anymore. I've never used D.I. on anyone before, simply because I didn't think anyone deserves that. Except HIM. Because he IS the Devil. A manipulating, child-brainwashing degenerate. If I could only tell the children that he uses them as a commodity, that he repays their affection by using them like ATM cards. But I won't. Because I don't care anymore.

We've tried protecting them as best we could, and tried to show them the truth.. They look at him with stars in their eyes and you can't blame them because they don't know any better. The truth would be too painful, too disturbing.. They would be disheartened. Still, they refuse to KNOW and I will not take part in this awful game anymore.

I am angry because he brings out the WORST in people. Good people, those who've worked through blood, sweat and tears.. He ruins them, ruins their reputation because he CAN. Because they're so close to revealing the TRUTH. And this megalomaniac would die if that ever happened.

I may not be able to do anything about YOU.. But I WILL NOT be part of this PRETENSE any longer.

meeting my standard, letting go of my childish desires

I think I've met my "standard."

Last night, after rehearsal for Sunday morning service, I joined the "angels" for drinks and dinner at Chili's. For the first time in months (or in over a year?) we were finally reunited. We weren't alone, however, as a certain male celebrity (whose name I will not mention) decided to join us for some girlish bonding.

Well he certainly got more than what he bargained for. ;p

As the evening wore on and cocktails flowed, after grilling my "granny" on her love life, we began talking about mine and granny's LIST. You know, that list of standards for meeting THAT person, God's GIFT, that everyone ought to keep. We probably spent a third of the evening debating on the topic of keeping a list. And defending our singlehood. Apparently our new friend finds it inconceivable to be a single, happy female. He believes that one cannot be complete without being with that special someone. On a religious AND philosophical point of view, I couldn't be more opposed.

This guy must be a fan of Jerry Macguire. (While I love that movie, I disagree with the whole "You complete me" notion.) I love Cameron Crowe but I think people have unwittingly misread the concept of finding THAT person because of that line. While beautiful, lyrical, and poetic (which I'm certain has had many hearts a-flutter) I firmly believe that we can never find fulfillment in another human being. Our happiness is not dependent on our romantic state. And happy singleness does not mean you're just CONTENT. Happiness is being more than content.

I am HAPPY because I know that I am MEANT to be single right now. Because I know God is preparing me to meet THE ONE. I am single because I'm not yet READY to be with someone. But I'm getting there. :)

By faith I know that soon I will relinquish my singlehood. :) Strangely, there is this feeling that I am being distracted but I know I am pursuing this preparation. It is difficult, guarding your heart, and I will readily admit that I'm not always successful. But now I have something to look forward to.

I am encouraged because I just realized that I have already met my "standard."

He is so.. INSPIRING. To me, he is such a MAN. Most of all, when I am near him I can't help but admire him. He has the capacity to both awe and frighten me.

In philosophy we discussed MYSTERIUM TREMENDUM ET FASCINANS. He evokes that of me (at least the 'fascinans' part), just like how religion evokes the same in all of us, that is, a feeling that is both great and terrible (bear in mind that in philosophy "terrible" is not a negative term) that I am drawn to him. He intimidates me and I am NOT easily intimidated by anyone. Or anything.

I've met so many "manly" men before but none of them have ever made me stop and think.. "Wow. This guy is amazing. I wish I could meet someone like him." I admire his honesty, his frankness, his braveness and his determination to stand up for himself.

The funny thing is, I've never really met a guy who I can just admire. I've had numerous crushes, fallen "in-love" a couple of times, but never just met someone who I really truly admire. This isn't a crush. It's ADMIRATION. If he is but a glimpse of what God is preparing me for, I really do have something to be excited about. :)

By revealing this person, this man, God is showing me that I am no longer a "baby." I am a WOMAN. Observing this man, seeing his maturity, it makes me want to give up the follies of my youth and be the woman God intended me to be. Maybe not for HIM (my standard) per se, but for the man he hints at, the man who is meant for me. :)

For the past few days, I've been plagued with the thought of being "old." I'm already 26, after all. The last thing I want to be is one of those people who pretend they're younger than they really are. Now, I DON'T MEAN acting your age. It's refusing to acknowledge that you are old enough to be mature about certain things. I have great respect for people who possess and revel in their "inner child" but I have no tolerance for people who act like children.

I've never felt such a strong desire to be a WOMAN, the woman God has intended for me to be. So say goodbye to the 6-year old Chiko and hello to the 26-year old who may have the disposition of a woman but the heart of a child.

nephew & nephew: owie and david :) 

the hardest thing you'll ever have to learn

"The hardest thing you'll ever have to learn is how to say goodbye."
- from the mini-series "Taken"


I've always had a hard time saying goodbye.

Silly, isn’t it? How a word (or two if you’re anal) can evoke such a strange feeling of awkwardness in a person. I’ve had “good” goodbyes, and bad ones, quite a number of awkward ones, and a little bit of some erased by inebriation.

Some examples:

- Coming home from Graduation Ball (not mine but his!), only to find that my date apparently liked me. How? The more than a dozen long-stemmed red roses (I have a strong distate for red roses. White ones are a lot prettier. Why don’t they every get that?!) stuffed in the trunk of his car, the teddy bear reading a book (whose meaning only came to mind YEARS later, talk about being slow), and the card were quite blatant. So before he could say a word, I dashed to the gate. Cue: hurried (and HARRIED) goodbye. Wrong timing, my dear. You had your chance. ;)

- My first date with my first boyfriend. Because I knew he was going to tell me he liked me. I couldn’t handle it. Poor boy. As I walked away and bid him goodnight, he got the impression I didn’t feel the same way. Eep.

- After being brought home by a friend who’s quite.. Lusty, let’s just say. I was so scared he was going to try something (he already was in public!). Grabbed the door handle soon as I could as hastily called out a goodbye.

- Anytime I am alone in a car with a guy. WHY? Because apparently I give off a “flirty” vibe. I always afraid that I give them the wrong impression. And I do have a lot of guy friends, many of whom have given me lifts home.

I know what you’re thinking. I’m a priss who has yet to learn to be comfortable with me. BUT I AM. It’s the car thing. Maybe there’s lack of oxygen in that little enclosed space. I don’t know. It just gets me everytime. And today I must say the dreaded word. Twice.

- Today is Reg's birthday. Happy 28th. :) I miss you.

At precisely midnight (Chiko-time, of course), I called Reg to wish him a beautiful birthday. Then came the dreaded "goodbye." Calling long-distance doesn’t really leave you with the “stammer-and-prolong” option. So the incoming call on the other end was a welcome interruption. Whew.

- Also today, Mico, my last "fun" friend, officially leaves to become an expat. In Laos.

I must admit that this “goodbye” will prove to be more difficult. (Flashback: Reg’s despedida, where tables and tables – I kid you not – were bawling. Incidentally, he has returned twice every year since.) I suppose it’s harder because he’s been my constant friend since college. We’re not super-close or anything, but he’s always just been there. Like stars. You know, they’re always just up there and you can’t see them all the time but you know that when you look up they’ll be right there.

ANYWAY, it gets difficult because he’s my last “fun” friend. Meaning, I can drag him to hang out and not expect him to be corny or sleepy or not-game. Everyone else has grown up: got married, had children, got serious with work, got a boyfriend. You name it. At 26 years old, it’s not exactly hard to imagine why. And as the only deliriously happy single girl left, I need to have “fun” friends. So there.

Maybe I’m not really afraid of saying goodbye to people. Maybe what I’m really afraid of is intimacy. Or losing my singlehood. Or leaving my comfort zones. Now THAT’S hard.